Rearing Monarchs #11:

A child’s heart towards its peers
Unification Thoughts, March 2022

Welcome back
And thank you for your continued interest in these Unification Thoughts.

If you’re joining us for the first time, the focus of this series for we Golden Agers is to look into the key role of grandparents in helping to raise our grandchildren¹. This article is the tenth in the series and its basic premises are from 1) the Realms of True Love—in which Father and Mother Moon introduce a fifth realm of divine love—and 2) the Three Great Kingships—which inspires the title of this series. If you take a look at those two links, you’ll at least understand the perspective of the preceding nine articles, if not the details.

Where we left off…

In the February article, we were working through the second form of education that our grandchildren need—an Education of Norm². Through it, they’ll learn what they’ll need to make a successful marriage and family, and to become a “Good Citizen” in their community.

Since we’d discussed vertical love and its associated virtues, this time we’ll look into horizontal love and the virtues that express it.

But before jumping into those, it’s important to understand the theoretical basis of our perspective. Otherwise we might not be able to effectively address the dismissive idea (that our children might hear in school) that these views are grounded in “archaic” cultural traditions or religious dogma. If that concerns you and you didn’t read the explanation in January—or if you did but need a reminder—you can review it. It’s just a few paragraphs and when you're done, you can close that page and be back to this one. You can revisit that basis here.

Horizontal Order

All right then… Since we’d looked at vertical order and its associated virtues, this time, we’ll look at horizontal order. That’s the basis of another set of core virtues that our children need to learn. UT explains this connection clearly:

“…love has twelve directions, because the person in each of the four positions has a different kind of love for each of the three object partners… Consequently, various kinds of love, with different nuances, come to appear. In order to realize these various kinds of love, various kinds of virtue are required… with each kind of love, there is a corresponding virtue… The aim of… ethics is to fully explain the virtues of love.” • New Essentials of UT, p. 282

It’s pretty essential then to understand that teaching a child to be virtuous isn’t only a matter of polishing their character; more importantly, it’s about them becoming a person through whom HP’s love can flow to each member of their immediate family:

We’ll be concerned with the horizontal bonds of sibling love and conjugal love; and with the specific virtues that children need to share in these two fundamental realms of heart.

Horizontal Virtues

Looking at these horizontal bonds in the context of the universal order of things³, UT offers the following figure. In it, the focus is on the horizontal relationships between a family’s children:

Those horizontal bonds of love manifest through virtue, and they are also developed and strengthened by practicing it. The 14 horizontal virtues listed are largely similar in the different Unification Thought texts, but there are small differences, perhaps due to translation. Considered carefully, each one is such a valuable guide for behavior that the list bears repeating:

The “etc.” indicates that they aren’t necessarily the only ones, but they’re a great starting point for a child to learn how to express true love to their siblings.

Sharing true love with siblings, during youth

As last time, every one of these virtues could merit its own article. But if we did that, this article would have to be broken out into its own booklet, with a chapter for each virtue! So I’ll limit myself to short examples of how some of these virtues enrich the experience of love between siblings.

Fidelity: The steadfastness of a child who is faithful to their brother or sister, no matter what other kids think or do, is an expression of true love.

Reconciliation: The sincere regret and earnest apology of a child who’s said or done something hurtful to their brother or sister is an expression of true love.

Tolerance: Patiently bearing something about a sibling that could use some improvement—especially during their growth stages—is an expression of true love.⁴

Obligation: The attendance of a sibling who acts not only out of duty, but instead is driven by sincere concern and warm care, is an expression of true love.

Courtesy: Gracious behaviors that express care and respect for their siblings are expressions of true love.

Modesty: Carefulness in language and dress which considers and honors siblings can be a expression of true love. And it can spare them anxiety about the consequences that immodest behavior invites.

Justice: A child standing up in the playground for a wronged or bullied sibling is an expression of true love.

etcetera: By now I’m sure you get the idea…. None of these examples are from the Unification Thought texts, but some reflection on your own family experiences can provide examples for the other virtues that a child can understand.

An important detail

Although the newest Unification Thought textbook omits this, an earlier one does say something that’s very important and practical:

“The education of…standards of conduct starts at home, practically as soon as a child is born. A child must be taught certain manners and customs, first at home, then both at home and in school. When a man fully understands and practices the the principled duty of a man, and a woman fully understands and practices the principled duty of a woman, the education of norm has been completed.” • Explaining UT, p. 225

Manners, customs and family duties are things that children can actually practice early on. They don’t need to first understand what “universal order” or the “expression of Heavenly Parent’s love through virtue” mean; such concepts won’t make much sense to a young child. But if personal manners, social customs, and household duties become habitual second nature, they’ll be in the best position to actually appreciate the concepts, once they’re old enough to think at that level. Because by then, they’ll also have actual experience of how these behaviors are noticed and sometimes very much appreciated by others.

There’s an important reason for that: If manners, customs and duties are the outer expressions of inner virtue, and virtues are actually different nuances of love, then manners, customs and duties are not just behaviors that would be nice to have. Rather, they are important behaviors through which family (or community) members actually show their love for one another.

Which brings to mind a remarkable example of true sibling love that I can’t forget: In the early 80s, when our martial arts students in UTS would attend promotion tests in Belvedere, Father and Mother Moon’s late son Heung Jin Nim would attend. When it came his turn to spar, he of course aimed to excel. But it wasn’t his fighting skill that’s so memorable. Rather, it was his customary behavior toward opponents that was extraordinary. When he realized that someone was holding back because he was the son of Father and Mother Moon, he’d chide them and strongly urge them to give their very best effort. After, regardless of the outcome, he’d compliment his sparring partner’s performance. They’d walk off the mat, and with his arm around his opponent’s shoulder, Heung Jin Nim would say encouraging things like “That was great!” Or he might laugh and say “Wow, you really got me that time!” It seemed that he really wanted his sparring partner to experience the excitement of reaching a new level of personal accomplishment. In other words, he brought to us the sense that even competition was for the sake of others! His extraordinary manners elevated my entire concept of competitive sports to a new level.

Sharing true love with a spouse, during adulthood

Let’s now move forward 20 or so years. Let’s imagine a child who’s been carefully guided to intentionally practice these virtues all throughout his or her formation, growth and completion stages. He or she would now be a young adult who is faithful, courteous, modest, compassionate, cooperative, serving, sympathetic, just, sincere, helpful, understanding, etc. They’d be remarkable young adults who’d bring a richly developed understanding of horizontal love to their matching table.….

We could once again go through each of the horizontal virtues, this time adjusting them to apply in marriage. But since our concern here is the education of children, we can bypass that exercise. I'll mention how just two virtues have inspired me.

Reconciliation: When I was younger and still employed, my wife and I might disagree about something over dinner and get a little hot under the collar. After the meal, my wife might start the dishes⁵ in silence, feeling hurt and angry. Upset with myself and feeling guilty about losing God’s viewpoint of her, and knowing full well that words now were futile, I’d get a towel and stand quietly next to her, head bowed and avoid eye contact. I’d quietly take each rinsed piece of dinnerware from her hand (on its way to the dishrack) and instead wipe it dry, ready for me to put away. No words were exchanged, but the unspoken message was that I was still fully there emotionally; I may have lost it for a moment, but I’d absolutely not left, nor would I ever. And my desire to be with her didn’t change, nor would it ever. As the minutes would pass, wordlessly, the tension lessened. … All this was informed by UT’s explanation that reconciliation is an expression of true conjugal love.

Courtesy: When we used to go to a restaurant, I’d help my wife remove her coat, and with it over my arm, I’d pull out the chair for her to be seated. When the meal ended, I’d do the reverse: pull out the chair and help her on with her coat. If her hair was down, I’d lift it for a moment so that the coat collar could drape nicely against her neck. I learned manners like this from my folks, but was very encouraged when I saw how affectionately Father Moon honored Mother Moon after some holiday entertainments in the Manhattan Center, back in the 80s⁶. I felt that he was showing us how God’s daughters should be treated. And it reinforced UT’s teaching that courtesy is an expression of true conjugal love.

…That’s the idea. I hope that you can reflect on each of these horizontal virtues and come up with your own inspirations for manners, customs or duties that express them, so that a spouse could feel truly beloved:

I’ll go one further and say that, to my mind at least, these horizontal virtues are essential to true romantic love. They can powerfully enhance that experience. Which leads to a favorite quote in the Principle:

“If Adam and Eve had attained perfection and united as husband and wife…the whole cosmos with its dual characteristics would have danced in harmony. The place where Adam and Eve become perfectly one in heart and body as husband and wife is also the place where God…and human beings…become united. This is…where the purpose of creation is fulfilled. …God…draws near and abides within His perfected children and rests peacefully for eternity. This (is) where God can be stimulated with joy for eternity. This is the place where the Word of God is incarnated…. It is the center of truth and the center of the original mind which guides us to pursue the purpose of creation.” • Exposition of the DP, p. 30

Imagine that! Who knew that a husband and wife who deeply and powerfully love one another could mean that much to Heavenly Parent? It’s something very worth trying for.

A special note about fidelity:

I noted that in the various UT textbooks, the list of horizontal virtues always starts with fidelity. Perhaps that’s because the Principle specifies fidelity as one of the three core virtues of love. The Principle even italicizes these three for emphasis:

“In interpersonal relationships, the beauty that a subordinate returns in response to the love of a superior is called loyalty, and the beauty that children return in response to the love of their parents is called filial piety. The beauty that a wife returns in response to the love of her husband is called fidelity. …By sharing love and beauty with each other, they join in harmonious oneness, becoming the third object partner to God.” • Exposition of the DP, p. 38

Fidelity is the only horizontal virtue mentioned; the other two—loyalty and filial piety—are vertical virtues. The dictionary definition of fidelity tells us that it comes from the Latin root fides which means faith. So fidelity refers to being faithful.

And as we explained last time, it’s possible to understand these virtues more deeply by examining the original ideograms that were translated. By doing that, I learned more about the ideogram for fidelity: it’s composed of the two ideograms for loyalty and sincerity.

In the previous session, we’d noted that the ideogram for loyalty indicates a heart that’s centered on someone or something outside and in fact above it:

What of sincerity then? Significantly, it’s Abonim’s favorite character⁷ and it means to become the Word. Not just to speak truthfully, but to be the words we speak:

Combining those two into the ideogram for fidelity, expresses an unwavering devotion of one’s heart and soul that’s fully lived out, particularly to a spouse:

Most importantly, since fidelity is a horizontal expression of God’s love in a family, it’s a powerful way for a spouse to experience the love of Heavenly Parent coming directly into their life:

“God’s love is the underlying force which breathes life into the four position foundation. Accordingly, the four position foundation is the vessel of perfect beauty through which we can receive and enjoy the fullness of God’s love.” • Exposition of DP, p. 39

Which would explain why the Principle of Creation names fidelity as one of the three core virtues of love.

Conclusion

Referring back to Figure 1 at the top of this page, you’ll notice that an Education of Norm aims toward producing a “Good Citizen”. That’s clearly beyond the realm of one’s own family. Hence this quote:

“Corresponding to the horizontal order of the family, horizontal values come to be established. In the family there is harmonious love between husband and wife and love among brothers and sisters. These, in turn, will expand as values toward colleagues, neighbors, compatriots, community, humankind, and so on.” • New Essentials of UT, p. 228

Perhaps you know of some young adult in our community who is specially appreciated in their school or workplace. It’s likely that the values of Godism took root in their characters and so they relate to their teachers, their bosses, their peers, their reports, or their customers with care, or respect, or sincerity. They’ve clearly got an inner compass that their organization notices and values.

And that’s why these virtues are important for our grandchildren to learn: they're important for true success at school, at work, in marriage, in community—indeed for their entire life in this world. And if they’ve learned those things from childhood, guided by their parents and grandparents, they’ll be able to pass them on, consciously, intentionally, to their own descendants.

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